Meat suit lesson #38: "Finding the gap" OR How I beat anxiety (pharma-free) in 10 easy-ish steps

"Anxiety" you can't go a day without hearing that word. It seems to be the real pandemic that is plaguing our world today. It's tossed around as a joke, casually in memes, or even in our favourite TV shows...

"Anxiety" as defined by the American Psychological Association is "is an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure. People with anxiety disorders usually have recurring intrusive thoughts or concerns. They may avoid certain situations out of worry."

I won't say that definition is inaccurate. However, I will say like a fine wine, it's slightly understated.

In evolutionary terms, anxiety was pretty darn useful. It was an emotion built to help humans survive in what's called an "Immediate Return Environment". It was built for solving short-term, acute problems. But as we encounter fewer and fewer sabre-toothed tigers in our day-to-day life it has become a bit of an excessive emotion to respond to our more modern issues.

In essence, we inadvertently manipulated anxiety to handle issues like unpaid bills, curmudgeonly in-laws, relationship woes, etc. Not to discredit the stress surrounding these, and other anxiety-inducing factors but they are not life or death the same way a giant and hungry feline hunting you down is.

For me, anxiety was something that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I suffered greatly from General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) which essentially means I was persistently and excessively worried about any number of things constantly. To add to the mix, I often experienced physical anxiety which means at times I would experience all the physical sensations of being anxious without being able to consciously pin down what I was so worried about. For me, this included headaches, fatigue, severe stomach issues, trembling, sharp pain in my chest, shortness of breath, fainting, and a myriad of other not-so-pleasant side effects. It often landed me in the hospital being tested for what "exactly was wrong with me". Loved ones, colleagues, even medical professionals would try to get to the root of my issues. The most frustrating part was that when I was asked, "What's wrong? What's bothering you?", I truly did not have an answer.

'My anxiety did not stop there. It caused me to live in a place of constant fear. I developed OCD tendencies. It impacted all of my relationships (with friends, family, partners and colleagues). I had severe insomnia, often had to hide in public bathrooms to conceal my sobs or belabored breathing, suffered from severe panic attacks, and probably a few other traumatic things I've subconsciously blocked out at this point. There was a period of time where daily I would sprint into my house after returning home from work, desperately ripping off my clothing so I could sit in the shower and cry it out. I found it seemingly impossible to control my catastrophic imagination and my worries would steadily spiral out of control.

One day, unexpectedly while I was driving, the anxiety ceased for about 5-7 minutes. For the first time since I could remember, I had NO anxiety. Well let me tell you, did THAT make me anxious!! ... Wait, what?? Yep, NOT feeling, what had become an uncomfortable resting-state actually made me feel even MORE uncomfortable. This feeling of calm, of nothing, of presence, had really caught me off guard. How could I not be happy for something I had yearned for after so many torturous years. This did not seem fair.

A few days later, once the shock wore off I decided I NEEDED that feeling of calm back. That if I had it once, for even just a few minutes. I must be able to get it back. (Spoiler: I was right)

Thanks for your patience up until this point. Let's get to the juicy part. What you really want to know. How I conquered anxiety (without pharmaceuticals) using 10 key principals.

*Obligatory disclaimer: I am NOT a doctor. I do not recommend going off any medication you are currently on. I DO recommend that you seek professional medical help before making any major changes to your lifestyle, prescriptions, diet, etc. And as always, I maintain you take from this post what works for you and graciously leave behind what doesn't fit your specific needs at this time.

So, here are the things that helped me...

Tip # 1: Breathing. I am starting with this one because you literally need to do it to live so why not make the most of it? I used to HATE when people told me to "breathe through it". I mean, can you not see I am having a panic attack here?? Sedate me, or knock me out if you have to... ANYTHING to make this stop. But obviously I simply cannot "breathe" my way through this. Well, I've said it a million times, and I will say it again, "I was wrong". Breathing is fucking powerful stuff. Who knew?

As a side note, I like science. It's a "tool" I use to convince myself of the benefits of things, I sometimes don't initially really want to do. It essentially says, "Hey, a bunch of other fairly smart people have tested this theory out and stamped it with some sort of approval. You should maybe give it a chance". So, what does science have to say about breathing?

During an anxiety attack, your sympathetic nervous system fills your body with cortisol and adrenaline. It does not feel all that heavenly. If you want to reduce this stress response and directly combat the stressor you need to interrupt the stress response. It's like pulling your foot off the gas and hitting the brakes instead. An effective way of hitting the brakes is to turn on the vagus nerve which in turn powers up the parasympathetic nervous system. The easiest and most accessible way to do this is through deep breathing. When you've activated your vagus nerve you not only stimulate your body's relaxation response, you also inhibit inflammation and slow down your heart rate. It even helps you make memories. There's a "what happens in vagus" joke here somewhere I'm sure...

Tip #2: Staying Present. Remember above when I mentioned the few anxiety-free minutes I had randomly experienced? I like to call that moment "the gap". What I realized is that anxiety is not a switch you can turn on and off (damn). You don't wake up one day having all of a sudden having conquered anxiety. Well, I didn't anyway. What I did learn is that I could create teeny-tiny gaps in my anxiety. Almost like minuscule cracks in the surface of my suffering. They only needed to be a second or two long. How did I achieve those? (That was a trick question. If you seriously don't know the answer, please go re-read Tip #1 above).

Once I found a brief moment or gap, I focused on extending it ever-so-slightly. Kind of like training for a marathon (the marathon of an anxiety-free, amazing life! YEAH BABY!) Each time it gets a bit easier, the gap gets a bit bigger, the calm lasts a bit longer. You practice so that you can have gaps more often, and they can last longer.

But some days you WILL feel like you've regressed. Like you can't find the gap. Like the gap is shorter today than it was yesterday. Which conveniently brings me to my next tip...

Tip #3: Self Compassion. Anxiety is no joke. It is seriously debilitating. I wasn't kidding when I said that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It is heavy, heavy shit.

Do me a favour, stop reading, and take a minute to do the following. Picture a small child coming up to you, late at night. They're crying, worried and terrified because they've had a bad dream and now they are convinced the monsters under their bed are waiting to gobble them up. Do you say, "Hey kid, what's your problem? You slept just fine last night. You're a real failure! Ha, you'll probably never sleep again, I bet!"

No, you don't. Because you're not a god-damned savage. (And if you do, we need to address that in another post I think).

What you actually do, is pull the child in for a hug. You embrace them. You tell them you understand it's scary to go back to bed, but that they're really safe and they will absolutely have great dreams again soon enough. You show them love and compassion.

Now, if you can do that for a hypothetical child frightened by monsters (debatably, not real), why can't you show yourself a little of that love and compassion for your battle with anxiety (definitely, scientifically proven and real)? Give yourself a break, show yourself some love. By reading this post you are already showing mad achievements in personal growth and your commitment to healing. Go you!

Tip #4: Become Teammates With Your Ego. Since you're already in your mind chatting with your inner child (surprise, that kid was YOU!) why not also take some time to get acquainted with your ego? Generally speaking, your ego is a key player on "Team Anxiety". Your ego is kind of like that coach who you're not entirely sure if they are super-motivational or just kind of a real dick. Your ego's voice can give rise to self-doubt, self-criticism and self-judgment.

For a long time, I stuck with the notion that "Your ego, is not your amigo". It helped for a while. When my ego or inner voice would start attacking me I would challenge it, assume it was over-worrying, or being unnecessarily disruptive to my otherwise calm and happy state.

After some time, I saw my ego start to resemble my inner child. It became a bit less loud, a bit timider, it almost seemed sad, scared, and pathetic at times. Like it was trying to grasp at straws for my attention. I observed it try to convince me that people I KNEW loved and cared for me were "out to get me". But all-in-all I had overpowered my ego, I gained control over it. I knew it was weak and futile now that I had self-love and compassion in my corner. I felt more comfortable with my ego. It had given up on trying to attack me as much, and when it did it was almost humourous.

It was then I learned that my ego wasn't really evil or out to get me. It was like a scared and worried child trying to protect me from harm. Similar to my sympathetic system, it's aim was to help me. I'd say it was missing the mark slightly, but once I felt less threatened by my ego I was able to get curious and explore the real message it was trying to get across.

Anxious thoughts from my ego sounded like this,

"You're definitely getting fired! Why did you say that in the meeting? You're such a failure. You'll end up broke. Then homeless. Then dead under a highway overpass". 

(my ego, always ended the stories with me "dead under a highway overpass")

(a) Not very creative to reuse the same story ending over and over again, and

(b) Just generally not nice. Why am I listening to this ego-chick anyway?

Once I learned that my ego was just concerned for my wellbeing and misdirected in its concern, that same incident looked a lot more like this,

"Yup, that might have been an unthoughtful thing to say in front of your colleagues. What can I learn from this so I don't do it again? They probably haven't thought about it since. I know they have their own concerns to worry about... At least I'm not dead under a highway underpass!" 

That seems a lot more manageable, right? When you become teammates with your ego it can give you guidance that reflects your desires, improve your self-awareness, and help propel your personal growth.

Tip #5: Create Healthy States. I think/hope you're getting the picture that anxiety (or lack of anxiety) is based on a few key factors (physiology, awareness, inner dialogue, compassion, etc.) It's also heavily impacted by your environment and state. You had to know this was coming.

Eating healthy, exercise, good sleep, cutting back on alcohol and caffeine, work-life balance, and healthy social interactions are the necessary pillars to your success. You can follow every other tip on this post to perfection, but if you're missing even one component of the pillars required to maintain a healthy state you will fail. Sorry, but it's true. There are TONS of other articles on this subject so I'm just going to leave it at that. If you want to learn more about how your state impacts your personality check out this post.

Caveat: Sleep. If you're struggling with anxiety there's a good chance you too may be affected by insomnia. So that's kind of an unfair catch-22, isn't it?

Lack of decent sleep = being anxious 
Being anxious = difficult to get enough decent sleep 

So here's some hope for you. As you work on the other tips in this post, your sleep WILL naturally improve. It seems impossible now, but try your best to trust the process. A couple of tools I used to utliize were guided sleep meditations (you can find these on meditation apps, YouTube, Spotify, etc. ) and something I call "board room meetings". I would hold these board room meetings with myself each night before going to bed.

Basically, I gave each area of my life a persona i.e. "Ms. Business", "Mr. Finances", "Lady Romance" etc. then I would address each persona or board member and ask them any concerns they would like to bring to the table (hint: they're just aspects of your ego in disguise as "real problems"). I would give them the time they needed to voice their concerns, respect where they were coming from, and take any notes I needed to remember so I could deal with their issues when I was fresh in the morning.

I gave every one of them a chance to have their say. At the end, I would ask if everyone felt they had gotten everything out. If something popped up, I let them speak until all the concerns were voiced. It was important to remember that this meeting was for voicing concerns, not solving problems. Problems could be solved in the morning when I was rested and fresh. I also kept a pen and paper on my bedside table so if any of the "board members" woke me up in the middle of the night I could quickly jot down their concern, sure I wouldn't forget it and go back to sleep.

Tip #6: Find Healthy Releases. While we're on the topic of how you treat your body and what you put into it. It is equally important to focus on what, how, and how often you release. I personally think this is a very personal decision and something that might require a little trial and error in order to nail down what really works for you. I also find for me, it's ever-evolving. So what helped me release last week or last month, may just not do it for me anymore.

Popular choices are going to the gym or for a run or maybe a yoga class. Other people prefer to journal or dance or play/listen to music. Some get creative through arts and crafts, sewing, painting, or enjoying adult colouring books.

Personally, I love embroidering, learning about science, playing pranks on my husband, and brainstorming for a book I hope to write one day. There isn't really a wrong way to release if it works for you. *Though I would caution against hours of Tiger King, mindless social media scrolling, and excessive indulgences in drugs or alcohol. Those may seem like a release at the time, but in the end, they're more hurtful than helpful.

The important part is that you find a healthy release and hold space and time (tip: put it in your calendar if you have to) to release regularly and consistently.

Not sure what you're into? Try this exercise: Sit down and physically write a list of all the things you loved doing as a child. It could be Karate, or building popsicle stick houses, or catching bugs, or fingerpainting, whatever. There is no judgment, nobody needs to see this list. It's for your eyes only.

Now see if you can find any common themes. If you liked building tree forts and playing in the mud, perhaps what you're really craving is some time in nature. Perhaps going for a hike or reading in the park might be a good release to try. Maybe you can just revisit one of those exact same childhood activities. You were smarter than you realized back then, you released without thought or worry and likely enjoyed every minute of it. You inherently knew exactly what you needed. Be open to trying many things and find which releases work for you.

Tip # 7: Try Meditation. If you know anything about meat.suit.lessons or follow me on Instagram you also knew this was coming. I know some of you are still skeptical, but I promise you it's a game-changer. You don't need classes or a special app (though they are helpful for beginners). You don't need a ton of time or money or to be a certain type of person to meditate. You don't need to be spiritual or zen. You don't need a special space or place. You don't even need a scheduled time. And technically, if you understood and tried Tip #2 you're already meditating (bonus!)

There's a lot of misconceptions about meditation, what it takes to do it, and what type of people do it. (I wrote a post on my thoughts here) but really if you can manage to sit with yourself, no distractions and focus on being present for even 1 or 2 minutes twice a day you are one the right track. I won't say it will be easy at first, but let's also keep in mind the end goal here... We're aiming to FREE you from the devastating and persistent torture that is anxiety. It might be worth an honest try?

Don't know where to start? There are many different styles of meditation. I suggest finding one that works for you. Some people use mantras, others use observation techniques. Some people focus on watching their thoughts float by as if on the surface of a passing stream. You can direct your attention toward the flame of a candle. Personally, I like using the words "here" and "now". I even got it tattooed on my arm as a constant reminder (yes, I am oh-so hardcore). I breathe in saying "here" to myself and focus on feeling my physical body. It reminds me that I am here, I am safe, I am well. Then I exhale saying "now" to myself and focus on the fact that in this very present moment I am okay. There is no past nor future in the "now". There are no memories or anticipation. The magic is actually in the space between your breaths. That is where you find your "gap". As I mentioned before, it's brief but when found it is the most peaceful place on this planet. For more meditation styles check out this link and for my personal journey with meditation check out this post.

Tip #8: Dig Deep. While staying present is important, if you're like me there's probably something deep below the surface that is triggering your anxiety. Ultimately if you reeeeally want to conquer your anxiety you will eventually have to visit these issues. This was probably the most difficult but also the most effective exercise in truly addressing the root of my anxiety and transforming my life. I personally used a technique called shadow work. Originally, described by Carl Jung there is a great, modern take written by Debbie Ford on the subject and practice.

It's not for the faint of heart, but if approached properly and most importantly, honestly this type of work SHOULD be one of the biggest challenges you'll ever tackle. The benefits and outcomes are indescribably gratifying in my opinion. Personally, I would try to get some of the other suggestions/tips in this post comfortably under my belt first.

Tip #9: Express Gratitude. This one surprised me. I found it a bit later in my journey. Not that I think I was an overly ungrateful person by nature, but I didn't exactly see how in the moment gratitude was going to save me from an impending panic attack.

I was wrong, again (I told you I'd say it). Gratitude in practice is actually a very practical application for addressing anxiety. When you are focusing on stuff that you are grateful for it is really difficult to simultaneously be worried or anxious.

I particularly like focusing less on stuff and more on moments. This sparks happy memories for me that really fill me up with joy and distract me. I think of times I was grateful i.e. the time I met up with and rekindled an old friendship over coffee, my first date with my now-husband, when my mum would stroke my hair when I was sick or tired as a child, and so on...

I got creative and tactile with my gratitude because that's the kind of thing that generally works for me. I've created a gratitude tree where I write what I am grateful for on a leaf and mindfully place it on the tree. It acts as a reminder for me in tough times too.

Tip #10: Do You. I went off pharmaceuticals almost a year ago now. It felt right for me, and I did it with support and full-disclosure to those I trusted cared about me. It worked for ME. All of the things above are my secret recipe for finding peace and freedom from anxiety.

That said, the most important message here is that this is a very personal journey. Some of what worked for me may work for you, some of it may not. I can only recommend that you maintain an open mind, stay persistent in your pursuit (there IS hope), and show yourself love, patience, and compassion as you go.

As always I invite you to take what you feel serves you and leave anything else behind. Some of it you may not be ready for, some of it may never be right for you. Regardless, I sincerely hope this helps and I am rooting for you!