Meat suit lesson #98: CHEERS TO MY TRIBE!

OR... "How I'll never be lonely again by learning to love being alone"

For many, I think this pandemic has brought up mixed feelings of connectedness and isolation at the same time. We see examples of support and community across social platforms and have had extra time to reach out to those we haven't spoken to in way-too-long. But we also miss social events, family gatherings or are wondering why that person we thought was a "good friend" or a "right-swipe with potential" has suddenly ghosted us.

A lot of us are missing our loved ones, feeling a lack of intimacy, missing human connection, and generally just feeling pretty alone in this world right now. If you're living solo during this time, I imagine it is especially difficult. Being someone who has struggled with relationships and genuine connection my whole life, I have reflected on this a lot lately. My heart goes out to those who feel abandoned, detached, or lonesome right now. I have a ton of empathy for those feeling that right now, because I felt that way most of my life, LONG before COVID-19 hit us all.

From a young age, I used to choke through my sobs as I echoed the words, "I want to go home". These words have repeated in my head, over and over again over the years. The really odd part was, that I felt that way no matter where I was. I could be repeating this to myself as I was tucked into bed in my own house. I felt like I was from another planet.

While the jury is still out on whether I am an alien in this life or have been in past, I have realized that what I really craved, was not "home" but the feeling of authentic connection, unconditional love, and support in healthy relationships. Today, I hope to communicate what I realized was preventing those connections and how I have learned to create space and attract my tribe.

Historically speaking, there were many factors that kept me from having healthy relationships. It always seems to be a complex recipe for these types of things. I've spent a lot of time and effort honestly exploring it and I think I've narrowed down the key themes as to why I think I had such trouble in past:

1. I had unresolved trauma which reinforced unhealthy outlooks and approaches to life. I.e. experiences that *"happened to me".

2. I was unaware of how my day-to-day states played party to my personality and ultimately my relationships with others. I.e. the way I dealt with those experiences.

3. I was anxious, ego-driven, and lacked self-love, authentic confidence, and compassion. This caused me to project my own personality flaws on to others. I.e. how the experiences and my actions made me feel about myself.

4. Because I lived in a place of fear and attachment without healthy boundaries I stayed in toxic relationships that perpetuated unhealthy cycles. I.e. what I felt I was worthy of because of how I perceived myself.

Allow me to explain a bit further...

1. I had unresolved trauma which reinforced unhealthy outlooks and approaches to life. I.e. experiences that *"happened to me".

Early on in my meat suit journey I was blessed/challenged (depending on how you look at it) to have chosen* to be born into a home and family with its own set of learning opportunities. Without going into too much detail, my family (like theirs before) struggled with trans generational patterns of abuse, alcoholism, codependency, neglect, and other common unaddressed familial themes.

For years the trauma I amassed from these experiences blinded and blocked me from knowing what authentic loving and healthy relationships were supposed to look like. The lessons I had learned about what relationships looked like were not promoting the relationships I actually desired in life.

It kind of reminds me of growing up only speaking Spanish and then moving to China and wondering why you can't communicate with anyone else. (Especially if Spanish was more of destructive and less of a romantic language). My experiences had set me up to constantly miscommunicate, misunderstand and mistranslate by encounters with others.

2. I was unaware of how my day-to-day states played party to my personality and ultimately my relationships with others I.e. the way I dealt with those experiences.

As I grew older, not only did I carry that trauma with me deep down but I subconsciously came up with various coping mechanisms. Many in retrospect that I realize now just perpetuated my disconnection from others. I inadvertently avoided, over-compensated, and partook in what I realize now were destructive behaviours.

One of the more obvious counter-intuitive ways I tried to connect and ultimately created poor day-to-day states were through relying on and abusing drugs and alcohol in social settings to "loosen up", "feel more comfortable", and "fit in" with my peers. Ultimately I ended up turning into someone far from who I wanted to be (and knew I really was) in life. I made poor decisions, embarrassing choices, and often lived with shame-overs for days after the party had ended.

Subconsciously I also sunk myself into patterns of compulsive and avoidant behaviours that left me overcompensating in some parts of my life. To try and make up for what I viewed as my shortcomings in my relationship skills, I worked extra hard to try to be high-performing in other areas. This resulted in me becoming your typical type-A, over-achieving, honours student with a clear and steady path to workaholism. I had convinced myself that if I could "fit-in" by being the best student, employee, salesperson, business owner, etc. that people wouldn't notice my lack of EQ (Emotional Quotient) or at least would overlook that part of me.

What actually ended up happening is that I was constantly burnt out, often came off as a know-it-all, and generally just increased the distance between myself and those I so desperately hoped to be closer with. What I didn't realize is that these decorated achievements were just that, external decorations. At my core, I lived with severe imposter syndrome and ultimately felt confused and underappreciated despite my best efforts. I didn't connect the dots that achievements aren't agents for outstanding relationships. Just because you can hang something on your wall or include it on your CV does not mean that it will keep you warm at night.

It wasn't just in social constructs like school and work that I behaved this way either. Across the board (romantically, in friendships, in my career, and with complete strangers) I played the role of an extrovert. I prided myself on being the centre of attention, the loudest, the funniest, the most daring and most outgoing. Through dance recitals and school plays, I learned from a young age that I could get attention, applause and even praise by being the star of the show. What I didn't realize is that this coping mechanism was also superficial and delayed me in truly getting to know myself.

What I realize now, is that I'm actually a very strong introvert. I've learned that I am really quite sensitive quiet and reflective by nature. I require plenty of periodic time to process my thoughts and experiences. In past, I so feared disconnection and craved acceptance that I constantly felt I needed to be "on" and forced myself to try and fit in, even though at times all I really needed was a time-out.

In my mind, the FOMO was so much more than missing out on a fun experience. It was the fear of missing out on a chance to feel loved. So time and time again I over-extended myself in all aspects of my life. It was my way of making sure I always had a figurative lottery ticket in my back pocket. I ignored my own needs to gamble on the chance I would win the grand prize of being loved and accepted by someone... Anyone.

3. I was anxious, ego-driven, and lacked self-love, authentic confidence, and compassion. This caused me to project my own personality flaws on to others. I.e. how the experiences and my actions made me feel about myself.

The combination of my early-childhood experiences and the coping mechanisms I had created to handle them consequently also impacted how I regarded and spoke to myself. My self-talk, fueled by Generalized Anxiety Disorder and undiagnosed PTSD was often entirely narrated with themes of guilt, shame, inadequacy, defeat, loathing, negativity, lack of control, and destruction.

From a young age, I was acutely keen to the fact that something was missing. I didn't feel safe, included or supported by my family. To this day I've never had anyone refer to me as their "best friend". I've had more failed romantic relationships than I can even begin to count. I've struggled to keep jobs over the years, never because of my performance but just because it felt so hard to be a "part of the team". I took these examples as evidence that I was a misfit, unworthy of love, and would forever be perpetually misunderstood.

When someone would show the slightest sign of interest in me I would dive into the deep end, not even thinking to check what was hiding in the waters below. "A possibility for someone to love me? YES PLEASE!" There was nothing too dangerous down there that would prove to be unworthy of that opportunity! ... Or so I thought.

I let anxious attachment take over. Often drowning my redeeming qualities with desires to control, struggles to communicate, and a hypersensitive nervous system. This made me a ticking time bomb for acting out when things didn't go my way or I misinterpreted a situation. When I finally reached the surface again, the person on the receiving end was often completely overwhelmed and we were both entirely too exhausted to continue any sort of healthy rapport.

If I wasn't anxiously attached I would overcompensate by becoming avoidant. In later years, this seemed like a safer route and a very reasonable option. I was emotionally-scarred from being overly vulnerable and putting myself out there constantly so instead I decided it would be safer to downplay the importance of relationships entirely. And while I still strongly feared rejection and had low self-esteem I ultimately became more independent and self-reliant. I quickly dismissed anyone from my life who brought up red-flag feelings of the rejection I had encountered in past.

Either way, if they left or I pushed them away, I used it as additional evidence that I was not worthy of others love and certainly not worthy of my own love either. My ego told me my feelings were facts and that I was right not to have any hope. It also told me I was inherently hatable no matter what I did and if people happened to think that they liked me for a brief moment it was just sheer confusion on their end. Then my ego helped me create elaborate projections, stories and lies to help cement that narrative.

In the end, I did legitimately destroy some relationships with great potential and hurt some really amazing people to extents I still haven't been able to repair. Although I still feel some shame for hurting people in these ways I know it is not a complete calamity in that I have taken away extraordinary lessons from each one.

4. Because I lived in a place of fear and attachment without healthy boundaries I stayed in toxic relationships that perpetuated unhealthy cycles. I.e. what I felt I was worthy of because of how I perceived myself.

Let's recap: My experiences affected my general day-to-day states. Being in constant unhealthy states influenced my patterns, behaviours and how I developed coping mechanisms. These coping mechanisms and behaviours came to form my personality and how people viewed me. It also strongly reflected how I viewed myself and what I thought I was worthy of in life. Which in turn let the universe know loud and clear I still had a BIG lesson to learn about knowing my worth, setting healthy boundaries and living from a place of love rather than fear. And until I graduated that life class it would keep presenting me the lessons I needed to learn that valuable lesson.

Basically, for a while, even if you were a good person I was aggressively pushing out of my life. If you were a toxic person, it was your approval and love I just couldn't desire more.

For far too long I stayed in romantic relationships, friendships, jobs, etc. with many people (who in retrospect were not toxic by nature, but just as lost as me). I was abused, manipulated, neglected, let-down, etc. I don't blame these people. We're all doing the best that we can with our current level of consciousness. I fought harder for the love and acceptance of these people than others. In my mind, the toughest nuts to crack would certainly be the most delicious. If I could get THESE particular people to love and accept me, that would certainly prove (especially to my ego) that I was loveable after all! Right?

I stayed in many of these unhealthy relationships for years, (some decades even) repeating the same patterns and mistakes. Deep down I knew these people were not right for me, but I was too afraid to be alone, to be on my own. Without family, or friends, or anyone who genuinely wanted my company for reasons selfish or not I would finally have to accept that in all my relationships I was the common denominator. I'd have to acknowledge that the issues and ultimately the power to change anything stemmed from me. So out of fear, I stayed. And for years I let people disrespect me, trample over my feelings, ignore my needs, manipulate me, silence me, dismiss me and, just generally treat me like sh!t. And for years, like an obedient puppy, I came back for more and more.

THE END.

... Just joking, wouldn't that be a terribly sad ending, wouldn't it?

Nope, this story has a happy ending, my friends. Phewff!

Fortunately/unfortunately for me (again, depending on your perspective), I had some Earth-shattering, rock-bottom relationship experiences that were just too much even for me to continue to return to. Relationships that really made me question what kind of person I was, what kind of person I wanted to be, and what my real purpose was on this leg of my meat suit journey.

• I started to realize that the things that happened in my past were real but did not need to continue to be my reality.

• I got out of my own head and started to focus my energy outwards, on how I could genuinely love others without attachment and be grateful for what I had in life.

• I stopped allowing my ego to come up with creative stories on why others didn't like me and why I was unlovable.

• I began re-evaluating the tools, narratives and coping mechanisms I had relied on in the past to help me survive and calculated whether they were actually preventing me from thriving.

• I learned to be alone without subconscious distraction and sit in unmitigated solitude with my pain and discomfort. Over time I realized that things weren't as painful or as scary as I had predicted. I realized that the fear of being alone was far worse than actually being alone. I found that my own company wasn't so bad after all.

• I cultivated quiet confidence that did not require crutches or over-compensation or sacrifice to feel self-assured.

• I learned to love myself, to show myself compassion, and to forgive myself for mistakes I made when I didn't know any better.

• I reached out to those I felt I had wronged and apologized without expectation. (I was shocked to hear most thought I had nothing to apologize for).

• I fully subscribed to the understanding that my own forgiveness of others was possible without them actually apologizing to me. More importantly, I found that there is empowerment rather than atonement in authentically letting shit go.

• As I took the time to know myself better and love myself more I also discovered what I wanted, needed and felt I deserved in my life moving forward. I decided that being with just myself was a far better option than feeling trapped in toxic relationships. I let people show me who they really were and respected what their words and actions were actually saying.

• Based on my learnings I created boundaries and made wiser decisions on who I would let inside my emotional gates. Some people left on their own accord, and I didn't chase them. Others banged furiously at the gates demanding to be let back in. Some got second and even third chances at admittance but were quickly escorted by security out again. I carefully considered who was permitted to enter moving forward.

For awhile the gates were quite, high and quite closed in. There wasn't much room for anyone but myself. The boundaries were strong like fortress walls, with little to no flexibility...

But something funny happens when you learn to be with yourself, enjoy your own company, grow your confidence and, love yourself. That love creates space. Not voidness, but beautiful space. Safe space. Bright space. Warm space. Confident space where you ultimately become a possibly invincible and authentic version of who you once were. You graduate certain life classes and begin manifesting new experiences and people into your life.

You don't only create space but you start attracting the people who are good for your soul to fill that space. The people that support you unconditionally. The ones that accept you for exactly who you are. The ones that inspire you. The ones that remind you that a blip in the road is just that, a blip. The ones that don't make you question whether you mysteriously transform from a person to a topic of conversation when you excuse yourself from the table. The ones that are intrigued by your intricacies and oddities that make you, uniquely you. They're the ones that always have room for you in their fort and time for you in their schedule.

I never question if someone is a tribe member because I know MYSELF well enough now to recognize if my soul is mirrored in theirs.

And when you find these special people (YOUR TRIBE) you love them and respect them just the way they are. Without attachment or attempts to control.

You understand that when they can't make it, it's simply because they just can't make it. Not because you did or didn't do something.

You have their back and trust that they have yours.

You root them on in their own adventures because likewise they are your biggest cheerleaders.

You are honest and vulnerable and understanding and non-judgemental with them.

You accept that they may live timezones away or might have to attend to their own journeys and lessons at times. But that's okay because tribe members are so very different from flings and fairweather friends.

Tribe members share unbreakable and lasting bonds. Tribe members find each other and they love hard and they love real.

To my tribe, you know who you are. I am forever grateful for who you are, how you live and love and that I finally found you through first finding myself. ❤️

#meatsuitlessons #findyourtribe

* I personally don't believe anymore that things happen TO me. I have strong beliefs that I chose this meat suit, this journey, these experiences and lessons. But that is another story entirely too detailed for this post...