Meat suit lesson #24: I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened. -Twain

I believe there is a fine line between keeping my private life private, and also sharing what’s going on in the interest of helping others. I hope my account relays the message that I try my best to stay present, optimistic, detached from expectations, and generally mindful. I have been unbelievably fortunate to have the time, energy, resources, support and self awareness to heal from a lot of what has happened in my life BEFORE the onset of COVID-19. I am beyond grateful for this and as such have tried to pay it forward by staying strong, positive and compassionate for those who require more support in recent times. That said, I also think it is important to share that I too am HUMAN. As such, I am impacted by life’s “stuff”. and when you pile up enough “stuff” it inevitably affects you. That is part of the human meat suit experience. I am sharing this because I never want to lose relatability and this past week I have felt INCREDIBLY HUMAN in this little meat suit of mine. Shortly after COVID became more widely known about, I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. Not too long after that I lost my #1 client and as such also my main source of income. Just like many of you, I am limited to finding new work because of the downturn in the economy. Not what you want to hear when you have a child on the way. As I have grown (in several senses) over the past few months, it also became painfully obvious that being confined to 400 sq ft with 2 (self-employed work from home) human beings + 2 dogs + a baby on the way was seeming less and less realistic. So we began hunting for our first home. I can relate to Twain’s quote above whole-heartedly. As a bonafide “catastrophizer” (currently in recovery) with a very active imagination, I have put myself down deep rabbit holes of creative despair in the past. I really try my best not to do that anymore. Being present has allowed me to liberate myself from that type of incredible anxiety. That said… Was I prepared to give up my body, energy, and career in a time, where I have lost what were formerly strong pieces of my identity, such as my “boss-lady” persona? Or expecting to have a baby during a time in which seeing a doctor in-person is a luxury that is not easily accessible? Or that I would be buying my first home in a time where most people won’t allow you access to view it in person first? Or that going to a grocery store or most anywhere would be restricted because of a comprised immune system? Or even that mourning a lost loved-one would be limited because funeral and memorial gatherings are forbidden? The answer to all of the above is, “no”. I hadn’t expected any of it. It is certainly not how I had hoped most of these milestones would pan out. While I will miss moments of sharing an ultrasound with my husband or being able to tour multiple properties in search of a dream home, I still get by. I get by, by staying present. I get by, by remaining grateful. I get by, by releasing expectations and control. I get by, by leaning on amazing people in my life. I get by, with deep breaths, and not just hope, but confidence that this is all a part of my journey and I will be coming out of this experience with great growth, greater understanding, and more love. I get by, and so will you. Much love to everyone out there having meat suit experiences too. You are not alone. #meatsuitlessons #hereandnow #breathe #yougothis #lovenotfear